Valleys of dark introspection

I have over the years of my stormy youth (stormy emotionally, anyway), been through many dark valleys of introspection. Fortunately for me, I do have a core of common sense. That core of sensibility is why I am still alive now. The times I sat with a sharp knife in my hand, willing myself to cut away and die, were always ended by bitter laughter because I knew I had not got the courage. A person who is afraid to both live and die is miserably trapped, and that is how a large swathe of my life has been. I have always passed from sensation to sensation; joy, sorrow, despair, numbness. I could not feel truly connected to anyone around me because my emotions disrupted everything. I still have the same troubles but after a stint on antidepressants, I seem to be cured. I know the darkness and numbness and hollowness in the very centre of my being are still waiting in the wings, but so far I have been managing well. Depression and mood disorders are like volcanoes, they can be dormant forever or burst into life and erupt suddenly again anytime. After you have recovered, you must be careful forever after. It is like any chronic heath issue. You must take steps to protect yourself and recognise warning signs. But enough about that. The point is, I learned that nobody was going to be able to reach me, there was no moment like in movies where something wonderful happened. Nobody rescued me. I had to crawl to safety by myself. So I learned then a truth that hurts: in this world, sometimes you must do things on your own. God was with me but I was so troubled and self absorbed that I didn't feel His presence. I still find that hard. It is a weakness of mine. If you are so lonely and miserable that you want to die - you are at a crisis point. Recognise it for what it is and decide to do something. If you think only death is a good option for you, why not help someone in any way you can? It's not like you have anything to lose. We humans are made to need each other and God, I believe that. If you are so sad you want to die, it means others have hurt you or that you have no purpose. We need a purpose to give us something to live for. Find a purpose. Make it good. Help others. Give your love out. If you are going to kill yourself anyway, why not do something good first? Then the next day, do another good thing. Keep crawling along. Help someone carry something, help someone cross the road. Pick up litter and put it inthe  bin. Improve the world somehow! Keep crawling, dying ones. Crawl back to life. Day by day.