It is all done, my time overseas.

I left Japan on August 2nd, the day my visa ran out. And I arrived back here on the 3rd.
I'm still processing.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

There was a guy I had a thing about, when I left, he gave me a special letter.
And we had a chat, but because I was leaving he gave up on any idea of anything happening between us. He said so specifically.
It really hurt.

And I cried when I said goodbye to my house, and my life and the people who I grew to care about.
Japanese people are so lovely.
I really felt welcomed.
And even though I made mistakes they helped me.
In a way, it was easier than living in my own country.
They had more patience than people in this city of mine.

Urgh now I have to try to put myself back together and start over with almost nothing.
It's hard, I knew it would be but somehow I had hoped that something would turn up to save me from having to return.
It didn't.
It seems that you get what you work ridiculously hard for, and if you don't work so hard, but just make connections and hope vaguely, you get nothing but a handshake and someone saying, 'Wish you could stay' even though they could have arranged it so that you could stay but it was too much work for them. Or maybe they were lying.
Haha that sounds bitter but I don't actually feel bitter.
I understand.
I know how my bosses worked, how they thought about things, because I learned.
If I had been able to make it easier for them, maybe they would have changed the rules for me, but then again maybe not.
They did often seem to not want anything to change EVER, I mean they still use fax machines.
Like, they fax so many documents. Instead of emailing them.
They do use emails sometimes though so you know, they're only about a decade behind instead of two decades.

I miss my Japanese friends so much.
But let's be honest, everyone says 'I'll miss you, I'll come and visit'.
Whenever you graduate, or move out or go to a new job.
But they almost never do.
Because life gets in the way and it's easier to be around those who are nearby and convenient, like I am not anymore.
That guy I liked, would I marry him if he ever got brave enough to suggest it?
If I did, since he is a teacher, he would never be home and also when he got home he would be so tired. I'd need to be the housewife.
In Japan.
By myself most of the time.
I don't know if I'd resent that after a while.
I don't want to hurt him, by divorcing him after the glow of newlywed romantic idiocy wore off.
It would not work out.
I think he knew that.

SO: What do I have?
A LOT of goodbyes.
Goodbye to my crush
Goodbye to my house
Goodbye to my money haha
Goodbye to my job which was great (sometimes) and also boring as hell (sometimes)
Goodbye to my fun co-workers
Goodbye to my friends (spending time with them)
Goodbye to my church folks
Goodbye to Hokkaido (and Japan in general too I guess) which I fell in love with
Goodbye to my dream
That was my dream for quite a few years. Let me count...
About 17 years or so. I held on to the dream for that long before I took courage and applied to go work in Japan. And it went well.
I am so grateful.

Now I have to work on another dream and set myself up to achieve it.
The problem is it's somewhat unrealistic.
Oh well, better start on it.

Positive post. We all need more positive things.

Ok decided I need to post something positive, because I want more of that in my life even if I have to make it myself.

I also like posting photos of stuff in Japan.

Here's some Pokemon Center stuff from recent months.

They did an Easter-themed Pikachu & Eevee thing.

That's a wee cushion.

Random figurines in little easter eggs. Hehe, cute. I didn't buy anything though because I have to go back to my country soon and I already have SO MUCH stuff to get rid of...

Just diff stuff. Cute of course. Ok that's all.

Enjoy!

God bless

xxx

I took a trip recently, after a bad experience.

It's been a long time, hasn't it? I think.
A lot of bad things happened lately but hopefully it will all pan out in the end.

Anyway I took a trip which was very hard for me to do alone, but I managed ok with only one minor meltdown. And nobody really cared which was good.

I went to Osaka and Kyoto first, then Yamagata and Zao. My friend lives in Yamagata.

Here's some pics.

Nothing much to say really.

I just recently had my Asperger status really driven home so I'm going through a lot right now.
It's related to the bad things that happened.
Basically I need to stop taking out my emotions on other people. But it's very hard because I don't always notice when I do that. So it's hard to stop when you aren't aware. I have improved over the years but I need to try harder.

Also I never tell people I'm on the Autism Spectrum because it's hard to know how they will react, a lot of people don't know what that means or they think I'm making it up (why would I make up something like that for goodness sake). So reactions are not great.

Two friends I have told both immediately dismissed it or changed the subject. So I felt very much embarrassed and ashamed for telling them. One person even walked away when I was telling him after I was diagnosed and I started crying a little. I made him feel bad so I know that I can't tell people my problems, I know I'm over simplifying it but here's the thing, I can only learn from other people's reactions to what I say and do, because otherwise I never know what's going on. That's just how I am.

But I hate it when it goes bad and other people get upset, it makes me feel very sick and anxious and upset and tearful for weeks. I am not exaggerating. It has been three weeks since the last bad time, and I am only just recovering to the point where I don't feel sick and scared. I get paranoid and nauseous. Anyway enough of my problems, I hate thinking about it all. Only time and experience can help with this, I need to learn and change.

I just wish my learning and (hopefully) improving didn't come at the cost of upsetting other people.

Right! Cheerful! Pictures!

Kinkakuji in Kyoto. I went there on a school trip 17 years ago or so. I always remembered it.
So I wanted to return. It was nice of course.

This is the kimono forest in Kyoto. It's all kimono fabric wrapped around bamboo and encased in plastic. It isn't what I imagined, when my friend told me but it was still nice enough. And really it would have to be protected from mold, right?

Kyoto is famous for lots of places but I didn't really care about the shrines or temples in these areas because I have been to so many. So I went to the bamboo forest and I saw this cute snail.

Everyone who has been to Japan in Spring has a cherry blossom picture or two. This is mine. I have others but I like this one. Ok next pic is the last.

In Yamagata with my friend (who did not tell me she doesn't like hedgehogs until after we sat down at the table after paying...) at a hedgehog cafe. This one is called Gian, after a Doraemon character. He showed his little fangs so I wanted to use this pic. He kept pushing his face into the coffee cup sleeve, even when it was taken off of him. I understand, little dude. Life is urgh sometimes. Even though they are rodents, they have such sharp fangs! I was surprised. I mean, I know they eat  snails and stuff but... Oh well. The one I picked up and held was a different one, and he kept nipping the gloves I wore very sharply and it pinched my hand. Don't mess with hedgehogs!

Anyway I had fun, despite crying every morning when I woke up and also feeling horrible anxiety, nausea and fatigue. Those feelings and the memory of them will fade. I know that, so I took lots of pics to keep the good memories.

One day maybe I can do things that other people do without it being tainted. I look forward to it.

Have a good day, you!