*flu-ox, it sounds a little like flu-ox* >_<

So I was on this stuff, this anti-depressant for my 'mood disorder'.
Mood disorder, what kind of bollocks is that? I mean, I was very sad and angry a lot, cried at nothing, or everything, and wanted to kill myself. Felt like a piece of abc gum on the bottom of someone's shoe. Tired, no motivation. Sounded like depression to me. I go to the doctor at last. He calls it a 'mood disorder' and tells me there are lots of kinds of pills but there are cheap ones and expensive ones.
I asked him, 'Is there a difference in the quality?' He told me no! Good grief. I pay $3 for a pack of like 30 pills I think it was, and it's just as good as the $40 ones. 'They do the exact same thing.' He told me. I was quite surprised.
There, my life summed up quite well, like 3 years of my life all in one go.Went to uni, started on the meds, studied japanese, loved it, ran outta money, saw my loan, panicked and went home. Eventually got off meds. Ok, now it's summed up.
There were complications. A guy. Lost him damn quick. Friends made and now probably mostly lost. That guy... I wanted him to be something that he didn't want to be. He wasn't interested. But he was very kind, even if he was painfully self-absorbed.
I feel as if my whole life has been totally wasted. But then I look back and ignore what didn't happen and focus on what I learnt.
I have learnt a great deal. And I have finally recovered from my depression/mood disorder. I had it for YEARS, and never dared to think it might be something curable, I even convinced myself it wasn't real, it was just me being selfish and self-absorbed and imagining it all. It handicapped me severely. I am still actually trying to pick up the pieces. But some day I will stop, look at myself, and realise that I am whole again. I am on my way.
I could have made this a soft, melancholy thing, maybe even moving. But I am sick of melancholy. When you eat sleep, dream, breathe emotion from melancholy to serious despair every day for over 10 years, you get damn well sick of it and you just wanna either die so it's over, or you wanna get off your bum and do something about it.
It took my mother to tell me, to get me to realise and do something, and I praise God for the fact that my mother spoke to me that day. It literally changed my life.I won't tell you what she said, it is hazy now. But I am glad she said it.I still cry sometimes. But not every day. Not every week. It's so wonderful. I am free.
At last! Thank You God, because of You. And the pills.
My happy pills, as I used to call them.

Well, God Bless you.
I hope my sister is having a neat time in Fiji. I miss her.
I love you, imooto. And happy birthday again.
:)