Why am I so sad?

It is Christmas day tomorrow.
I have done all that I wanted to do, almost. I should feel satisfied.
But I feel so very unhappy that I feel almost physically ill.

Last night the tears started. I managed to stop crying but now this morning, the moment I woke up, I started to cry again. I don't understand it.
I thought I would never feel this bad again.
I had forgotten how it feels to be so sad.

The only reason I can think of (underlying reason) is that because my father isn't coming up to see me this year, I must be more upset than I thought I was.
Every day I 'cope'. I work on other things. I go to work, I talk to other people. I talk to my friends.

But suddenly, this terrible, terrible feeling just came out of me in a flood. It felt as if my heart was made of ice, then suddenly a flood of warm water broke it, and it melted completely.

What can I do? I can't stop crying. It is annoying me now. At first I thought, 'Oh well, just cry a bit, it will pass.' But it won't just pass. I am crying right now! I have to go to the toilet to get more paper to blow my nose all the time.

This is the most irritating thing in the world! I know I should just work on my feelings and all that stuff, but come on... I never heard of a person who was unhappy for more than 12 hours straight. And through the night when I woke up, I felt it, but I was tired, so I managed to ignore it.

How do you tell your heart to stop breaking? How do you stop the tears? How do you feel better? I can't tell anyone about this but you. You've never met me. You never will.
But my family and friends - well. My family know about this whole 'me being an emotional rollercoaster person' thing. Most of my friends have NO idea. I won't let them know. They talk to ME about THEIR problems. I listen. I can't let them see me like this.

I tried slapping my face but it didn't help. I know it sounds silly... but it has worked before.
Ok.
I have realised that this is either hormones, (it's that time) or God is trying to tell me something.
I read my bible last night. I was looking for a certain Psalm, but I couldn't remember the address so I just went to Psalm 5. Then I read Psalm 4. It was lovely. Like medicine, but nicer.

Psalm 4 from Bible.com
1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.
2 O ye sons of men, how long will ye turn my glory into shame? how long will ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? Selah.
3 But know that the LORD hath set apart him that is godly for himself: the LORD will hear when I call unto him.
4 Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.
5 Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the LORD.
6 There be many that say, Who will shew us any good? LORD, lift thou up the light of thy countenance upon us.
7 Thou hast put gladness in my heart, more than in the time that their corn and their wine increased.
8 I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.

It gave me some peace. I have asked the Lord, 'Have I done something wrong? Are You trying to bring my attention to something? What do I need to do?'
Now I must wait for my answer.

It may be hormones. It may be my depression, rearing it's ugly head. It may be me missing my father. It may be something else. We shall see.
I have finally managed to stop the tears. Please don't laugh or judge me. I may be weak, although I hate weaknesses, but I am only one person. After all, everyone has weak bits in them. Mine are just being shown to you.

Well, God bless you this Christmas. I will enjoy mine. My best friend will be back by tomorrow, and my cousin is coming to visit on Boxing Day. I hope you get to see the ones you love this Christmas.

Christian love and kisses,
Me.

Been a while....

Well.
I am pleased.
Per-lea-zzzd.
:)
We went to buy mum a popcorn maker at and we found it wasn't on special anymore like we'd hoped. (It had been last week)
The 'we' is my sister and I. Anyway, we noticed it was an 's special card-holder day, one day only, 10% off all small appliances.
I pointed this out to my sister and we realised that neither of us was a card-holder, although mum was. However this present was supposed to be a surprise, so we couldn't get it off her and anyway the sale was only that day.
I'm getting to the point eventually, don't worry.
So I said to my sister, 'Do you think either of us is eligible to become a card-holder?' Her face lit up and she said, 'Worth a try.'
We tried. We were eligible except that we hadn't got 2 forms of I.D on us. So that was that. My sister explained the popcorn-maker sitch. The lady was very sympathetic.
That was nice in itself, but then she said, 'Wait, I'll put the sale through on MY card for you, so you can get the discount!'
We were gobsmacked. This was not allowed by the store but the lovely lady and her friend (who also worked there) did it anyway. So there ya go.
There are kind people in the world who do things for no reward which could cause trouble for them! Bless that lady and her friend, God, bless their socks off!
I'm countin my pennies lately. I tell you!

In other news, I found a hedgehog today, running around on the road. So I scooped it up in my umbrella and deposited it on the side of the road where it would be safe. But then I felt sorry for it, so I scooped it up again and took it home. I named him Mr Prickle-face. I think it may have been male, hard to say, so I just guessed.
I called my sis and told her, (she's staying with mum) and mum told me to take him into the garden because they are nocturnal and he'd probably be diseased. So I did.
Poor Mr Prickle-face. I wanted him to be happy. I hope he's ok. There's a lot of snails around here so he should have something to eat, at least.
I wanted to give him milk, I even took the chill off of it in the microwave, but mum said that hedgehogs are lactose intolerant. So I poured the milk in the sink.
Oh well.

Grayce is lactose intolerant, but she still loves to drink milk so I give her a tiny bit most days. If I give her too much, she throws up so I eventually learnt the right amount. (Yes, eventually, I am not quite with it sometimes and at first I didn't know why she kept being sick, so every time she threw up, I just gave her more milk. What a twit...)
She can projectile vomit about 1 metre! That's not bad for such a small cat. I'm very proud of her. And sometimes she can throw up hairballs that are as big as a large mouse!
I told my sister and she said I should enter Graycie into the longhaired, projectile vomiting division of a pedigree cat show. Hahahahaha!!!!
But seriously, Graycie is so annoying! She put my computer into sleep mode once when I was trying to type up an entry into this blog, and I thought she rebooted it, but then I checked and it was all still here. She sits on the keyboard, or lies on the mousepad. She sits on my hand while I'm trying to use the mouse and so it makes me right-click when I don't want to.
I think she's jealous of my computer.
Well, too bad for her. I love my baby, and I would be so happy to be able to have it surgically attached to me so that I could take it everywhere. Just the essentials, of course. I can't lug the monitor and mouse, keyboard, printer and scanner as well as the cpu everywhere...

Christmas is so close, I wanted to post this for you to read.

Christmas Eve in an old folks home

An old man sits in a home for the aged,
Sits and looks out the window on christmas day.
His family’s not here, they live overseas,
They can’t come to visit, but they rang on Christmas Eve.
‘Hi dad, it’s Bill, sorry we can’t be there,
But Joanne’s mum asked us to stay over here.
We’ve got obligations, lots of things to do.
People rely on us, you understand, don’t you.’
He tried to say ‘no!’ but it came out as a mumble.
Bill said ‘Now dad, Joanne said you might grumble.
I just saw you in May, it seems like yesterday.
It was only 7 months ago; I hate when you put the pressure on,
I feel so guilty, you know. Joanne and I were talking; she said some things that’re right.
You’ve always tried to guilt trip me, well it just won’t work tonight!
I’m sorry that you’ve been this way, I really have to go.
Oh, Sally likes her new sweater, but she can’t talk just now.’
The old man sits and looks out the window.
Who knows what he sees? An orderly goes to him:
‘Mr Roberts, come to dinner please.’
The old man sits stiffly, not moving at all.
The orderly has realized. ‘Sam, give the hospital a call.’
As Sam closes the soft eyelids, she manages to say,
‘And he’ll never see the Christmas card from his son that came today.’

I wrote that.
Well, thats all from me in this post, later I'll post the Christmas story from bible.com. KJV of course. Thats more like a medieval book, telling that olde, olde story.
Lovely.

God bless you and keep you.
:)

Here is an excerpt from the DNRC newsletter on Dilbert.com, concerning blogs.
I find it refreshing and reassuring.

Dear Dogbert, Lots of people write blogs, but I've never heard of anyone who actually reads them. What's up with that?

Kurt

Dear Skirt,
Blogs exist to fill the important market niche of writing that is so dull that your eyes will burrow out of the back of your head to escape.
People do read blogs, usually by accident, sometimes on a dare, but those readers are later mistaken for Mafia victims with what appears to be two holes in the back of their heads.
On closer inspection, you might find their eyeballs clinging to the drapes directly behind them. Unless the cat gets them first.

Sincerely, Dogbert

Marvellous.
People should make Scott Adams the president of the US.
Actually, no they shouldn't... scratch that. I will not be held responsible for all the Scott Adams fans who storm the White House and take the president hostage. Haha that would actually be funny for about 5 minutes.

Of course they are wrong. A lot of people read blogs, including myself. I liked the concept so much, [ie; my own mini world where I had completely free speech and so could say things like 'yargle' or 'mookghhahh' and then laugh to myself like a moron-] that I decided to get my own.
And here we are.
Becuase I am such an UUUuuupppp! then Ddownnn... person, my blog is weird and not very static. However a 'perfect' example of a static thing is a dead body, so .

I also love biblical topics. Most people do not care for such ideas as the state of their immortal soul. 'Just ignore it and it will probably go away.' seems to be the attitude. Nice one, people!
To them, I say either ; 'BLEAHHH!!!' [:PPPPPPPPPPPPP]
Or, on an adult day(of which there are not many), I say, 'Well, this blog is mine and free speech is in the constitution-thingy that the Americans have, so leave me alone. If it bores you or you object to it, go find something else to read. Or, better yet, start your own blog and talk about what you think is important.'

Then, I win, you win, and more importantly, the blogger.com service providers win.
A great big, self-absorbed, self-opinionated family.
Lovely.
Well, I am going to bed now. was it three or two posts in one day today? Three, I think.
Nice.

God Bless You, whether you want Him to or not... ^_^
:P

I'm hurting and I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT!!!

Damn it, I'm going to say it!
He'll never read this, frankly, he would never think of it and I have tried to show him things I do before, but he doesn't seem interested in me.

My Father.......
Left...
Us....
Two Years Ago..........
And I Am ...
Still Hurting.............

Let me guess what you, the reader, are going to say (if you haven't already gone off in boredom or disgust) ; 'Build a bridge and get over it' (Hah good one, my favourite slapdown) or 'suck it up' is the favourite. (Haha, suck it up! That always makes me laugh...)

I WON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm crying right now, and nobody can see me. Except God, of course. He counts and without Him, I wouldn't have even talked about it.

But right now, as usual, I am focusing on ME!!!!! I MATTER!

I AM NOT A TOY!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT A 'PERK' OR AN ADDITION TO THE MARRIAGE!!!!
I AM NOT A VIRTUAL PET TO BE LEFT AND PLAYED WITH ONCE A YEAR WHEN YOU REMEMBER!!!!!!!!
*sigh*

I am your child, dad, this is my letter to you that I would never dare let you see.
I don't want to hurt you. I've been conditioned from childhood by you very carefully so as to spare you as much pain as possible. I realise this now.

I am 23 but inside I am still a child. And this child is very very upset still.
Two years is a grain of sand in my palm.
I cannot forgive you.
You won't admit you have done wrong.

You say 'sorry' whenever you feel all soulful (usually at odd moments when I am not thinking about it), but you are not sorry at all. You are very good at saying sorry.
I myself find it very hard to apologise. Perhaps that is good. It means that when I say it, it means something!

I'm not like you. I learn and I mature every day.
I go through hard times, I try not to hurt the ones I care for. But you go the easy ways and you leave everyone broken behind you. Yoiu fend for yourself, even though you taught my sister and I to always think of our family first.
I can't trust you. 80% of the time, you let me down.

I love you so much, but you are so confusing.

It has taken me years to understand you this well and I feel there must be more to you, surely a person cannot be this selfish and uncaring. However, it seems that you are.
You told us divorce was bad and so was adultery.
Yet you committed adultery and left us and divorced us.
Then you tried to apply the same rules to us again, as if nothing had happened.
You broke the rules!

You want everything to be 'alright'. IT IS NOT ALRIGHT.
I try to pretend it is when I am around you because I couldn't handle it if you got upset.
I can't believe you did this.
But you did!
You didn't just divorce mum, you divorced ALL of us.
You chose, and now, maybe I will have to choose to leave YOU behind someday soon.

It hurts to be this cold but I am telling you now, I will.
If I have to, I will cut you off. I will be a girl with no father.
But it won't be my fault if this happens.
I will keep trying for now.
We will see what happens. Maybe you will try to mend this bridge.
Maybe you won't.

But I will not wait forever. One day, we are going to have to sort this out, once and for all.
I'm waiting.
Please hear me.
I don't want to lose you, dad.
I love you!

I am cultured. To prove it, here is a quotation from Pascal.

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
Blaise Pascal

I got this quote from www.quotationspage.com, but there are many good quotation sites you can go to these days. I like Pascal, he remeinds me of me, (ie; very dark and depressed, with shots of sentimental optimism) but I prefer Tacitus. Anyway, back to the subject of today's lecture.

I agree with Pascal on this!!!!! How many 'witches' were burnt at the stake in religous and supersticious mania? A lot of those women, if not all of them, were innocent.
(If you find out how to spell supersticious properly, please tell me)

Joan of Arc was burnt because she had visions. It was mainly because she was so useful, the english wanted to kill her but they needed a proper reason to kill such a good soldier who helped the king. Jerks. But if I were Joan, I'd have shut up about it. Oh well.
If that happened these days, she'd be a media sensation. She'd probably have written a book by now, and have her own disciples.

Jesus was killed for heresy also, in a strange twist. So were many of His followers.
It still happens in the less 'civilized' countries.
And it isn't just jewish and christian people who do it, either.
I suspect there are (and have always been) bloodthirsty people everywhere who want an excuse to kill or hurt others and just pick religon as the easiest way.
Great! It's nice to know. Because of a lot of horrible killers and snobs, my beliefs are considered hysterical and superior, with accents of condescention.

Oh well, I suppose it was inevitable. Humans have always slaughtered each other for ridiculous reasons. Cain and Abel, for example. My sister and I had a lengthy argument about that the other night. Poor Hannah and Dave had to sit and wait for us to finish yelling.
We tend to yell... apparently it is embarrassing to other people. Oops.
So I said that Cain meant to kill his brother but my sister said she thought it was manslaughter, not murder.
I knew it was murder because it says that Cain was angry when God rejected his offering. Then it says that Cain and Abel talked and went to the field and Cain killed Abel.
So, to me, that means he had planned it, to talk Abel out alone and kill him. But my sister thinks that Cain just killed Abel in a fit of anger. You decide anyway. It doesn't really matter. But if you want to read it, go to Genesis chapter 4.

Nowadays, you don't really need a reason to kill, because as soon as you get caught, your lawyer can supply you with many reasons. Isn't that useful.
Well, thats all. Just wanted to tell you that I have had a good week, a bit emotional but who doesn't get like that every now and then?
God Bless!
Hi Diana!!!!
:)

Hey! I put my foot in it! (and Psalm 51)

Ok so I'm talking to my friend on the internet, an American friend, and I say, 'Hey, Bush got in again, that sux, huh?' and she said, 'No, actually I don't think it sux because I voted for him...'

So yeah!!!!!! I needed to do an emergency foot-from-mouth-ectomy...

Anyway we discussed why she voted for Bush and I guess I agree with her. He doesn't support abortion (I think abortion is murder) and it seems that Kerry would allow gay mardigras or something and I do not agree with practicing homosexuality.
So, yay, George Bush! Way to go, bro! As we say here in NZ. Or, Good one, cuz!!!
Good thing I'm not a voter for the US or it would be in trouble, I am so easily swayed....

Hey, change of subject (C.O.S) I was photocopying a couple of songs for my friend Hannah the maths teacher (poor Hannah has to face up to teenagers every day....^^;)
So yeah I was doing that when I realised that one of the songs spoke to my heart.

It was 'Create In Me A Clean Heart'. (taken from Psalm 51)
Every single word in the song was what I wanted God to do for me. It seemed as if the original writer, a psalmist, (possibly King David) felt the same way as I did exactly, word for word, feeling for feeling. It was an amazing thing.
Every now and then, no matter how deep your relationship with God is, you need a soul cleanup. Thats how I think of it, anyway.
I needed that, so I sang to God, and I meant it.
Thats the difference. If you ask God to do something, unless you mean it from your true heart, you won't get it.
Everyone has a true heart. Thats where their secret sorrows come from, their secret joys too.
I think its where pity for others comes from too. So many people supress their true heart because it is so emotional but I think if you want to 'keep it real' as they say these days, you have to speak from your true heart.
If people don't think you are genuine, they won't like you or listen to you.
Here is part of that Psalm right now, we need it spread over the world!!!!!

6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.

There's a lot more, a LOT, but this is the part which really touched my heart.
Anyway thats all for now.

Bye! God Bless you today!

A little free advertising

educatedguesser.blogspot.com
Hey, I forgot to post this nice girl Lauren's URL.
She said such an encouraging thing to me. I had a read of her blog and it is so mature. Way food-for-thought!
=^.^=
But also I wanted to say that my friend Diana has a blog too.
Here is the URL: smilegodlovesyou.blogspot.com
That should work.

And I wanted to post my Summer poem, version 2.

Summer v2

Children playing with the hose in their underwear
Squealing and running about all wet
The feeling of ice melting numbly on your hot tongue
Water on your hot flushed face
The glaring sun
Heat haze rising off the ground
Cool breezes, mirages
Sweaty hair pushed out of the way
The smell of sunscreen
The greasy feeling
How cold it is on your neck and back!
The itchy bites on your legs from bugs
The smell of the sunscreen and insect repellent
The buzzing of the bees and wasps around you
The smell of fresh flowers growing
And newly cut grass
The sound of the lawnmower
The sound of the wind rustling the trees and grass
Eating strawberries, squashy and warm from the sun
Mmmmm, the juice squirts out as you bite the soft pulpy fruit
The pits are too small to get in your teeth
Eating an orange, getting it all over you, spitting out pips onto the ground
Sticky and uncomfortable
Wash off the juice
Then ice cream!
It is so hot you have to eat quickly
Or it’ll melt and run all over you
Oh dear
A milky sticky lukewarm stream runs all down your hand
Wiping it up makes it worse
You have to wash yourself again
The sun makes the top of your head burn
You should wear a hat
And sunglasses
The sun glares and it hurts your eyes
But the sky is such a deep, clear, breathless blue today
Small fluffy white clouds drift about aimlessly
They look like popcorn
People splashing and swimming in pools,
Children shouting, crying, laughing all over the place
Dogs racing about barking
The ground is hot, you need to wear shoes or you’ll get burnt feet
But the white concrete is cool and lovely on bare feet
Sit under a tree, it’s cool and comfortable
Lean your back up against the rough bark
Listen to the leaves rustle to each other
The sun dapples you with light in splotches
The flowers are blooming around, attracting butterflies
Monarchs with orange and black, soar lazily over and around obstacles
Cabbage butterflies, white with small black spots, flutter about in a hurry
Just like people
Some rush, some take their time
You watch everything
It’s summer and these longer days seem endless right now,
With you sitting on the grass, under a shady tree.
Lie back on the grass and stare at the blue sky
Such a perfect endlessly smooth shade
Clouds skim past pushed by the impatient wind
They collide with each other and merge to make bigger clouds
A sunshower
Pattering fat raindrops out from the perfect blueness of the sky fall on you
Taste them on your tongue
They taste heavy somehow, but fresh
The ground opens up and it smells wetter
The air around you tastes expectant, excited
It is wonderful

That's all I wanted to say.
God Bless!
Bye!

Summertime, a monologue.

Ah, I love summer. But I had forgotten how much I loved it.
I always forget everything. I forget summer until it comes back. I forget winter unless it is winter. I forget pain until it comes back. I forget tastes of things and textures, smells. I forget tunes and people's faces. I forget everything, basically.
But yes, until it is summer, I always forget how much I LOVE IT!!!!

I love everything about summer here. The smells, the warm air, and hot sun, getting tanned...
I love the way I can usually lose some weight.
The way I can just sit and warm my bones.
The way that water seems friendlier somehow, I can't explain that. Even my skin feels different.
I love the happiness in the air, the lazy happiness. I love that it's Christmas soon.
Summer- Te quiero mucho!
Natsu ga daisuki!
I love the smells the most, I think.
When it rains, and the warm earth sends this amazing scent up, and when its very hot, the flowers send all their beautiful perfumes across the whole country.
Or so it feels.
And the cool breezes. The grass, the light!
When I was a child, every February or so (the month of my birthday), we used to go strawberry picking as a family. Sometimes we also picked nectarines, boysenberries, blackberries or mandarins. Mostly strawberries. I love fresh strawberries, just picked, red, soft, warm and juicy. They aren't too sweet, either. When people make jams and sauces, they add so much sugar. But strawberries aren't supposed to be too sweet.

I had a wonderful childhood. I never realised. I was very selfish. In fact, I still am. But of course I am learning not to be. Slowly...
Aside from school, which I always hated and always will, I had a lovely time, playing with my friends, and my toys.
But what I really loved was our family outings.
We went everywhere. It didn't really matter where. Cost wasn't the thing as much as new discoveries with my family nearby.
We went to parks, to the zoo, to the aquarium, to restarants. My parents had money and they spent it on us. We got new toys all the time. We weren't rich, although everyone thought we were, and I got picked on at school for that a tiny bit.
We were well-off, but sometimes mum and dad would say that we had to 'be careful' and that meant we couldn't have new things for a while. But soon enough we could do anything again.
I remember so many wonderful times, but two that stick in my mind (besides fruit picking) are that for a while, we went through a phase where every Saturday morning, mum would send dad down to the local bakery to buy raisin buns and we would have sweet-glazed raisin buns for breakfast.
The other one is when we had had dinner and my sister and I were playing quietly when mum came up to us with a gleam in her eye. We looked up when she said, 'Let's go out to get icecream!' We often did this, went to different places in Auckland city. But this time, we asked where we were going and our parents said 'It's a surprise.'
We drove and drove, and I realised. 'We're going to Pokeno!' I cried, and my sister squealed excitedly. Pokeno was a place roughly half-way between Auckland and Hamilton. The dairy there always gave very big icecreams for a cheap price. We often got icecream when passing through to visit my aunt in Hamilton, but we had never been at night before. Until this time.
It was so wonderful and exciting. Then, about half-way home, mum said, 'Shall we go back and get another one?' So we did.
I remember eating my mother's baking. It was lovely! Nobody makes cheese straws or cheese scones like my mother. She made meals all the time. I loved it!
I remember eating pork crackling with my father. You used to be able to buy it in cute little packets, all dried and crunchy, like potato chips. It's the only way I have ever liked pork crackling. I always think of my father when I smell or see pork crackling.

I am very grateful to my parents for giving me such an idyllic childhood.
I have never told them this. But I think I will.
I was very lucky that they had the money and they enjoyed spending it on us girls.
I want very much to do the same for my family if and when I have one.
But enough about that.

I have to go now. I just wanted to enthuse about summer.
God Bless You.
And money is there to be spent!

My Cat

My cat's name is Grayce, or Graycie.
I like her a lot, even though she is pushy and neurotic.
I suppose I like her because she likes me, and thinks that I am worth being pushy and neurotic with.
She hates everyone.
Even now, if I move too fast, she runs. I think she has had a tough life. Unfortunately, this is partly my fault...
We had 9 cats and they all picked on her, she hid all day until meal times, and then I had to make sure she ate because the others pushed her away. It was awful for her but frankly, I didn't care. She wasn't the cutest, bravest, sweetest or smartest. She didn't really count at all. I am sorry I treated her that way.
Then a lot of the other cats either died or ran away. The 3 left were my cat Grayce, my sister's cat Simba and dad's cat Toby.
I moved into a flat and took Graycie with me. Her personality blossomed almost immediately. She is still insanely neurotic, but now she sits on my lap and acts affectionate whenever I watch tv. I have to sit up and put my arms on my knees to keep her off, or say 'No!' sternly, or she insists. If she feels stubborn, she will deliberately climb under or over my arms to sit on me anyway, and meow at me warningly if I try to stop her.
She hates strangers most of the time. Anyway I am sorry I mistreated her by ignoring her. I am just glad she still likes me. She was definitely meant to be an 'only cat'.
I guess I feel guilty because I love cats and I love it when they are no trouble and love you right back. Graycie doesn't fit that mold. But she still loves me, or she would have taken off to find someone else by now.
She follows me around the house and when I am in the shower, she gets agitated because she thinks that water is bad, so she tries to get me to come out.
When I hang out the washing, she insists on accompanying me to the garden and she waits until I am done, then she escorts me back inside.
She occasionally licks my cheek or nose or hand, but mostly she snudges me. You know, rubs her face on me.
If I have the tv volume up too loud, she complains. If I have the radio or computer music volume up too loud, she will also complain.
Oh, I better tell you what she looks like.
She is small but a bit shaggy, because she is a grey long-haired cat, with a small pointy face and deep set green eyes. She looks like she's glaring at you all the time, but she isn't, her eyes are just a bit hidden in her fur. She has a tiny white smudge on her chest.
She has a loud, complaining kind of voice which she often uses. I can never tell if she is scared, sad, angry or insistent. I meow back a lot, mostly mocking her because she never shuts up.
Anyway.... thats enough of her for now. I will try to take a pic to post of her.

God Bless!

Matthew 24

From Bible.com, KJV.

Matthew 24

'1 And Jesus went out, and departed from the temple: and his disciples came to him for to shew him the buildings of the temple.
2 And Jesus said unto them, See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.'

He was right about that. The temple has been destroyed. But the wailing wall is left, so I'm not sure if it will also be torn down in the future, or not.

'3 And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be? and what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world?'

I also want to know! I thirst dreadfully to know what will happen, so that I can be prepared. I don't want to be left behind!

'4 And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
5 For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.'

Now this has happened already I think, but nothing that has been noticed worldwide, as far as I know. Nobody has been taken seriously. I met a guy who claimed he was JC, but I think he may have been joking... or a bit short upstairs.

'6 And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet.
7 For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in diverse places.
8 All these are the beginning of sorrows.'

Firstly, yes, all those things have happened, many times over since JC went to heaven.
And verse 8, the beginning of sorrows? Man, that is a bit spine-chilling.

'9 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake.'

I don't want that to happen! But I don't want to give up my faith, I can't help but wish that I can just cruise through life. However, many people have died for Jesus, and if I have to, I hope they kill me quick so I don't chicken out. I don't know if I have the guts to stand up and be counted when the time comes to choose or die... I can only ask God for the strength.

'10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.'

That is in the church and in the world.
Churches always squabble. And worldly people hate each other anyway.
After all, to many people, being a Christian is just like being in a club. But it's not, and it doesn't make you any better than anyone else.
It's like you were blind and suddenly could see, but everyone else around you is still blind, and they think that you think you're better than they are, but you know you aren't.
It's not that easy, you don't just become perfect at the drop of a hat. If anything, it's worse to be a Christian because you see things you didn't want to see before, you have to look and you can no longer ignore the things that were easier to ignore before.
It's harsher than people think.
Maybe I sound too proud, like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders, but it's not like that. You can't be proud in anything but God because you understand how dirty you are. It's quite a shock.
Of course there are good feelings too, but in order to be happy you have to understand how sad you are, and deal with that first. Anyway, get off the podium Rebekah... sorry!

'11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.'

Oh man, don't get me started! Benny Hinn, Kenneth Copeland, many others, them healers are trouble. They seem straight at first. But then when you read their stuff you see they are making things up. Like, Benny Hinn said that originally women were supposed to give birth out of their sides... Whatever! I could tell you more, but you should decide for yourself. I just think they are wrong, and have lead people astray.
Anyway, I already started going on about how a lot of people look to the preacher and not to God. That can go to your head, you know. Why wouldn't it? If you were a pastor or preacher, and popular. People always being nice to you, asking your advice, asking you to help them, pray for them, bless their house, bless their family, heal them etc.

'12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.'

What does that mean? Hmm, well I think it means that because so many people sleep around and have many 'partners', love will be much sought after, and hard to find or keep. Oh, wait, that has already been happening! Maybe this Jesus guy is RIGHT??????
How awful though. For your love to wax cold... an empty heart, desperate for the warmth of love, and never finding it, seeking solace in sex.
I won't let that happen to me.
If that is you and you are reading this, maybe you need to give up on the sex thing, it will never work out. Anyway, the older and uglier you get, the less you're going to get, (for free anyway) lets face facts here. The world is pretty shallow.
I myself am a virgin and I intend to save myself for my husband. If God doesn't want me to get married, I will not be bitter. Most relationships look so hard and full of heartache anyway.

'13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.'

I am not too sure about this bit. Because I am not too sure if I am going to be taken away before the tribulations really start or not.
I haven't decided on my belief about that yet. I'm working towards my decision.
Whether I am pre-trib or post-trib.
This means, do I believe I will be taken away by Jesus before the terrible troubles listed in revelation, or do I think that I will have to suffer with everyone else for a while (3 and 1/2 years is the popular hope, half the time, the tribulations are apparently going to be for 7 years) and then be taken?
Anyway, I might die before the tribulations happen. I cannot be sure.
So many people argue this over and over, and try to prove their points but I cannot choose yet.
A lot of people say that it doesn't really matter, but I think it does.
If you are at home and your parents are out, you know they will come home one day, so you want to know when, so you can be ready. Clean up and so forth.
That's my philosophy.

'14 And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.'

Wellll..... this is also tricky. I don't know whether the gospel of JC has been preached to the ends of the earth yet. It may have been, but I can guarantee that out there, some people don't yet know about God.

'15 When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) '

Now, this could mean three things.
Firstly, it could mean what's going on now, which is that the Palestinians are using the site of God's House, ie, His old temple site, to worship Allah. (Some people say that God and Allah are the same person, but I don't, so let's skip that whole argument right there.)

Or it could mean that the antichrist will set himself up there as the ruler of the world, and demand that everyone worship him. Actually its possible the antichrist might be female... but probably not.

Or it could mean something else. The popular belief is the antichrist one. But I myself am not yet decided.

'16 Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:
17 Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house:
18 Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes.'

Ok, pretty straightforward. Everyone who is Israeli, get outta there, head for the hills to hide.
Don't waste ANY time, get outta the cities. So the moral of that is, be ready. Have a backpack with stuff in it ready to grab as soon as you hear anything. Thats what I would do.

'19 And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!
20 But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day:'

Basically He is saying that it will be very tough on you. It'll be very hard for women with babies and pregnant women. And you better hope it's not winter or on the sabbath. Winter because its cold, (duh) and sabbath because you aren't supposed to work on the sabbath day according to Jewish law.

'21 For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be.'

Hard times ahead, basically. Gives me the willies. And I'm not even Jewish.

'22 And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened.'

Here this is tricky. He is saying, 'If we didn't shorten this time, everyone would die, but because of the chosen ones, we shortened the time.'
I am one of the chosen. If you are a Christian, you are too! Yay!!!! If you aren't, you need to become one. Anyone can join, as long as they abide by His rules. Don't be left behind!

'23 Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not.
24 For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.'

Now these verses are very heartening for me. They help me to take courage in my beliefs. You see, a lot of Christians do believe in the healing evangelists, and I distrust them, I never knew why, and I still do not really know why. I just get this bad feeling. It guides me. I'm not saying all of them are bad, but most seem to be, unfortunately.
Anyway Jesus is saying, 'Don't believe what men say, if they say that Christ has come.' He wants us to wait for Him to talk to us, and show Himself.
Further on in the Bible somewhere it says that when Jesus comes, everyone will know, everyone on the whole earth, there will be no doubt.
Jesus also says that there will be people saying they are Him, and there will be false prophets, and they will show signs and wonders. They might even deceive some Christians. I always mistrust 'miracles' performed on tv or publicly. It seems to me that God wouldn't want to advertise Christianity as a faith of signs and wonders, and miracle cures. Thats not what He wants us to expect. Chritianity is about saving your soul more than anything else.

'25 Behold, I have told you before.
26 Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not.'

In other words, don't look for Jesus on the earth, He isn't there, He will be in the sky when He comes, and you will know for sure, without doubt. Don't listen to others.

'27 For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.'

He's coming out of nowhere, and fast too, basically.
Nobody can say where He will show up.

'28 For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together.'

This is a controversial verse. I have been told it means that we, the chosen, will be watching the tribulation from the sky, with Jesus, like eagles hovering over a dying person, and when the sinners die, we get the spoils. But I don't think that sounds very nice, somehow. I have a feeling it might be something else. However, I do not know what.

Let's leave it at that for now.
Hope I didn't freak you out.
God bless you!

Found a neat blog!

http://onemillionfootnotes.blogspot.com/

Go there, he paints the loveliest word pictures.
I like to paint word pictures but I'm not too good at it.

I wrote this poem a while ago.

Moonlit Night

The silver light plays on silken sea,
Under somber skies and it pleases me.
The reddened clay and the whitened sand
Mix together like the sea and the land.
I look to the north and I look to the south
I taste the salt upon my mouth.
The clouds they float and the wind it blows,
And over it all, the moon it glows.
The waves are strewn with a pretty filigree
Of frothy foam, and it all pleases me.

Here is an extract from my diary.

"I have depression. It makes things very hard sometimes. I can’t seem to get motivated; I’m often tired, sad, depressed, I cry at stupid things, or for no reason, just dissolve into tears standing in the bus queue. It's embarrassing and hard to explain when you do that, so I spend most of my time stressing over whether I can control my emotions in public.

In class I sometimes panic inside or want to scream and cry over a simple failure of a test. It used to be the same at work. I couldn’t seem to remember things and I would stress out and cry over mistakes or reprimands. I’m getting better every day, and one day I shall not remember feeling like this, I hope. I’m sorry if I get you down, but too bad. This is reality.

Its harder, or perhaps only seems harder for me to learn and remember and study than it is for others. But I have a feeling that I just haven't figured out how to study and learn properly.

I used to think I was disabled or something, because I couldn’t explain a few things I’d said or done. I’d have to say ‘I don’t know’ because I didn’t know. People did (and sometimes still do) get impatient or angry with me when I can’t decide on something quick enough or think of the answer in time.
They might understand if I told them but I don’t know. I know its ok, I know I’m going to get better, but they don’t know that and they might not believe me. They might be afraid of me. I’d hate to see that. Pity is ok, it’s a bit humiliating but fear… no I don’t want people to think I’m crazy. Because I’m not crazy. I just know it in my heart."

All that still stands.
I tend to panic when confronted, and I hate change. It rocks my entire world. I cry more than other people I think, but this year I have been quite good. I have written a lot of stories and poems, painted some pictures. Most of them were absolute crap but they all got rid of some of my anger. I'm an artist, but I am not that good. However that doesn't mean I am not an artist.

I still can't understand why I am so angry. It's always there, underneath. It flares up very quickly. One day I want to find out why I get so angry. I have a sneaking suspicion why it is, but I might be wrong.
Thats enough now, I think.

God bless!

Japanese lessons with Tensai-sensei!

Konnichi wa.
Today you will receive a lesson in Japanese from me.

Most of my lesson materials come from About.com's Japanese language section, resided over by the very personable and efficient Abe Namiko san. (Or Namiko Abe if you are western)
Here is the URL: http://japanese.about.com/

Today's lesson is; Shopping!

Firstly, I shall teach you some common words.

Sweater: Setaa
Money: Okane
Pants/Trousers: Zubon
Womens underwear: Zurosu
Shoes: Kutsu
Socks: Kutsu-shita
Bra: Buraja
Bag: Kaban or Baagu
Dress: Doresu or Wanpiisu
Clothes: Fuku
Western clothes: Yofuku
Japanese clothes: Wafuku
Shirt: Shaatsu
Blouse: Burausu
T shirt: Tii-shaatsu
Lipstick: Kuchi-beni
Mascara: Masukara
Wallet: Saifu
Glasses: Megane
Sunglasses: Sangurasu
Business suit: Sebiro
Men's underwear: Shita-baki or Zubon-shita
Make-up: Kesho-hin
Perfume: Kosui

Now, onto the lesson!

When you go into a Japanese shop or restaurant, a person will probably say (or in many cases call or shout) 'Irasshaimase!'
Do not say 'Arigatou' (Thank you) or anything in reply, or you look like a dork, as I have before.
They are supposed to say that to you, it's like when you say 'Have a nice day' to someone. It means 'Welcome!'.
However, you should not use it to say it to anyone. Unless you also work in the shop or restaurant. It's purely a polite word, to be ignored. However people have yelled it at me so loudly or suddenly that I have jumped and once I actually gave a sort of scream. So BE AWARE! Be prepared for the 'Irasshaimase!'

Here are a few common phrases in shopping.

First what the assistants or ten'in might ask you.

'Nanika osagashi desu ka?'
May I help you?

'Ikaga desu ka.'
How do you like it?

'Kashikomarimashita.'
Certainly.

'Omatase itashimashita.'
Sorry to have kept you waiting.

Then some quick phrases for you to use.

'Kore wa ikura desu ka?'
How much is this?

'Mite mo ii desu ka?'
Can I look at it?

'~ wa doko ni arimasu ka?'
Where is ~?

'~ (ga) arimasu ka?'
Do you have ~?

'~ o misete kudasai.'
Please show me ~.

'Kore ni shimasu.'
I'll take it.

'Miteiru dake desu.'
I'm just looking.

Thats all for now. For more, go to the above URL at About.com. Great place, that. I love it!
Please don't sue me for using your stuff, guys! I referred everyone back to where I got it!

God bless you.
:)

Isn't this cat so cute? I got this image from www.rateyourkitten.com

Religon and blogs

Good morning.

This is my first try at a proper blog, I have signed up for a different one but it was so restrictive and not very user friendly so this is my first real attempt.

It is rainy today.
I feel happy even so, because I just made 10 dollars. >_<
I work for a nice lady, cleaning her house every Monday. Well, I say cleaning, but really it's just very light housework, dusting, wiping her glass table, vacuuming and so on.
I clean other people's places a lot... but do you know I hadn't vacuumed my own flat for over a month? (Until yesterday) Possibly about 3 months. And I hadn't washed my dishes for two weeks...

Why am I writing in this blog?
I think it is because secretly, everyone wants to share their thoughts and feelings with the whole world, but not be judged - no, that isn't quite what I meant. I meant that everyone wants to share their true feelings anonymously, (I hope I spelt that correctly) so that if they are put down or laughed at, they can shrug it off easier because the person who made fun of them doesn't really know who they are at all. It's just another mask or facade to hide behind in this harsh, unforgiving, vicious world. Unfortunately, this feeling of safety is very fragile. I know this as I have experienced the breaking of this feeling very often.

Another reason to have a blog is to be noticed, to have people post on your posts and admire your thoughts, stroke the old ego. I should like that. I'm afraid that I am very proud. I need ego boosting. But I am also painfully truthful. The truth is like an operation, it hurts, but it is necessary. I am not cruel. The person I hurt the most with the truth is myself, I can't hurt others, it is not in my nature, I should like to think.

I'm using this blog to pour out my heart, perhaps in the slightly perverse hope that I can be noticed. I don't like to be noticed much by people face to face, but I do yearn and thirst for acceptance by people who don't know me, and who I may never meet. I think it is natural for human beings to long for acceptance and admiration. I realise this. So I am not going to try to become an obnoxious, odious, nasty person to ward others off, as I did when I was younger. It made me enemies and I lost my friends. I thought it was being 'tough' and 'standing up for myself', but it was not. I became a very unpleasant person, and I am still struggling to regain the last vestiges of my true kind self.

By writing in this blog, I can tell everyone what I think about anything, and nobody will know unless they stumble on this little online diary. I can be an anonymous celebrity, if I can build a little fan base. I have seen blogs which have a fan base. It made me a little jealous and annoyed, because I wish to have people tell me that what I believe and think is profound or the 'right' belief. I know I may be telling you too much, but I have found that if you are honest, people know where they stand with you. Anyway, I couldn't handle sensless flattery, it embarrasses me. I would like to have discussions with people on important things.

As for this blog, I will not stick at it, I can promise you that.
:)
A somewhat odd promise, but I can keep it.
I never stick at online blogs, or clubs or anything like that. I tire of them, but now and then energy surges and I go back to type with fervour.
I have never truly been myself online, because I am afraid that if I am, I will not be accepted.
This has happened before, both online and in the 'real' world.

I will endeavour to be myself all the time. I have made myself this promise. Maybe if I work hard, I will become peaceful. I am trying for that.

I had also better tell you now, to get it over with.
I am a Christian. I do not really have a denomination, but I do go to an Anglican church at the moment. I don't like religon, it traps people into believing in their priests and in their trappings, and in the church's ceremony, not in God.

You should not ask a person for absolution or dispersion of your sins, ask God. A man cannot cleanse you. You should not pray to a statue of Jesus or anyone else, pray to Jesus Himself!
Touching the body of a dead 'saint' will not heal you or help you. A dead 'saint' cannot do anything for you. So many people look at the evangelists and preachers, they look to other people for answers when they need to read the Bible. People would rather watch a movie or video or read 'summaries' of the Bible than read the real thing.

Sorry, got up on the soap box there.

It will happen many more times.

Well, thats enough out of me for today.

I'm not cute or perky or easy on the eyes or ears, but there's too many internet blogs out there which are junk food for the mind, instead of real food.
I'm not saying I'm real food, but I'm more real than a lot of the fluffy blogs out there.
Substance, but not a pretty style.

And I will not apologise for my opinions. If you disagree with me, go ahead and tell me, but do not swear or threaten me. If you make valid points, well, maybe I'm wrong. If you can prove it, take a shot at it. I'm open to a good discussion, not a debate. In a debate, nobody is listening, they're just lining up their next shot.

Oh, also, in case you don't understand Japanese, my blog's name means Genius's Diary.
Its a joke from a long time ago, calling myself genius. But my friend called herself 'Bug' so I guess I chose a fairly flattering name, albeit a gross exaggeration.
:)
God Bless you today.