I'm hurting and I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT!!!

Damn it, I'm going to say it!
He'll never read this, frankly, he would never think of it and I have tried to show him things I do before, but he doesn't seem interested in me.

My Father.......
Left...
Us....
Two Years Ago..........
And I Am ...
Still Hurting.............

Let me guess what you, the reader, are going to say (if you haven't already gone off in boredom or disgust) ; 'Build a bridge and get over it' (Hah good one, my favourite slapdown) or 'suck it up' is the favourite. (Haha, suck it up! That always makes me laugh...)

I WON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm crying right now, and nobody can see me. Except God, of course. He counts and without Him, I wouldn't have even talked about it.

But right now, as usual, I am focusing on ME!!!!! I MATTER!

I AM NOT A TOY!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT A 'PERK' OR AN ADDITION TO THE MARRIAGE!!!!
I AM NOT A VIRTUAL PET TO BE LEFT AND PLAYED WITH ONCE A YEAR WHEN YOU REMEMBER!!!!!!!!
*sigh*

I am your child, dad, this is my letter to you that I would never dare let you see.
I don't want to hurt you. I've been conditioned from childhood by you very carefully so as to spare you as much pain as possible. I realise this now.

I am 23 but inside I am still a child. And this child is very very upset still.
Two years is a grain of sand in my palm.
I cannot forgive you.
You won't admit you have done wrong.

You say 'sorry' whenever you feel all soulful (usually at odd moments when I am not thinking about it), but you are not sorry at all. You are very good at saying sorry.
I myself find it very hard to apologise. Perhaps that is good. It means that when I say it, it means something!

I'm not like you. I learn and I mature every day.
I go through hard times, I try not to hurt the ones I care for. But you go the easy ways and you leave everyone broken behind you. Yoiu fend for yourself, even though you taught my sister and I to always think of our family first.
I can't trust you. 80% of the time, you let me down.

I love you so much, but you are so confusing.

It has taken me years to understand you this well and I feel there must be more to you, surely a person cannot be this selfish and uncaring. However, it seems that you are.
You told us divorce was bad and so was adultery.
Yet you committed adultery and left us and divorced us.
Then you tried to apply the same rules to us again, as if nothing had happened.
You broke the rules!

You want everything to be 'alright'. IT IS NOT ALRIGHT.
I try to pretend it is when I am around you because I couldn't handle it if you got upset.
I can't believe you did this.
But you did!
You didn't just divorce mum, you divorced ALL of us.
You chose, and now, maybe I will have to choose to leave YOU behind someday soon.

It hurts to be this cold but I am telling you now, I will.
If I have to, I will cut you off. I will be a girl with no father.
But it won't be my fault if this happens.
I will keep trying for now.
We will see what happens. Maybe you will try to mend this bridge.
Maybe you won't.

But I will not wait forever. One day, we are going to have to sort this out, once and for all.
I'm waiting.
Please hear me.
I don't want to lose you, dad.
I love you!