Why am I so sad?

It is Christmas day tomorrow.
I have done all that I wanted to do, almost. I should feel satisfied.
But I feel so very unhappy that I feel almost physically ill.

Last night the tears started. I managed to stop crying but now this morning, the moment I woke up, I started to cry again. I don't understand it.
I thought I would never feel this bad again.
I had forgotten how it feels to be so sad.

The only reason I can think of (underlying reason) is that because my father isn't coming up to see me this year, I must be more upset than I thought I was.
Every day I 'cope'. I work on other things. I go to work, I talk to other people. I talk to my friends.

But suddenly, this terrible, terrible feeling just came out of me in a flood. It felt as if my heart was made of ice, then suddenly a flood of warm water broke it, and it melted completely.

What can I do? I can't stop crying. It is annoying me now. At first I thought, 'Oh well, just cry a bit, it will pass.' But it won't just pass. I am crying right now! I have to go to the toilet to get more paper to blow my nose all the time.

This is the most irritating thing in the world! I know I should just work on my feelings and all that stuff, but come on... I never heard of a person who was unhappy for more than 12 hours straight. And through the night when I woke up, I felt it, but I was tired, so I managed to ignore it.

How do you tell your heart to stop breaking? How do you stop the tears? How do you feel better? I can't tell anyone about this but you. You've never met me. You never will.
But my family and friends - well. My family know about this whole 'me being an emotional rollercoaster person' thing. Most of my friends have NO idea. I won't let them know. They talk to ME about THEIR problems. I listen. I can't let them see me like this.

I tried slapping my face but it didn't help. I know it sounds silly... but it has worked before.
Ok.
I have realised that this is either hormones, (it's that time) or God is trying to tell me something.
I read my bible last night. I was looking for a certain Psalm, but I couldn't remember the address so I just went to Psalm 5. Then I read Psalm 4. It was lovely. Like medicine, but nicer.

Psalm 4 from Bible.com
1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.
2 O ye sons of men, how long will ye turn my glory into shame? how long will ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? Selah.
3 But know that the LORD hath set apart him that is godly for himself: the LORD will hear when I call unto him.
4 Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.
5 Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the LORD.
6 There be many that say, Who will shew us any good? LORD, lift thou up the light of thy countenance upon us.
7 Thou hast put gladness in my heart, more than in the time that their corn and their wine increased.
8 I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.

It gave me some peace. I have asked the Lord, 'Have I done something wrong? Are You trying to bring my attention to something? What do I need to do?'
Now I must wait for my answer.

It may be hormones. It may be my depression, rearing it's ugly head. It may be me missing my father. It may be something else. We shall see.
I have finally managed to stop the tears. Please don't laugh or judge me. I may be weak, although I hate weaknesses, but I am only one person. After all, everyone has weak bits in them. Mine are just being shown to you.

Well, God bless you this Christmas. I will enjoy mine. My best friend will be back by tomorrow, and my cousin is coming to visit on Boxing Day. I hope you get to see the ones you love this Christmas.

Christian love and kisses,
Me.