Realisations

I have realised two things.
One, I was afraid since childhood that becoming an adult means embracing mediocrity. I was right.
I used to draw and paint and sing and write. I am now no longer really able to do those things. I used to strive to be original. But I don't need to anymore either.

Two, I was afraid that I would no longer want to do those things, that I would be accepting of my creative decline. That has occured also. I no longer thirst for anything creative. My job sucks all my mental and spiritual energy. I don't know what to do. It bothers me that it doesn't bother me much at all. I wonder if I should care that all the things I loved to make and do and dream of are dying.

I also wonder if this is just a season, and that I will one day be creative again, and my ideas will burn inside me again.
Wondering...
Did I give up my own originality for a minimum wage job at reduced hours? Just for money, and not much of it at that?
I used to care so much.
I used to suffer a lot more too, though.
But my ideas were my own. Nobody put them down, not like now.
I wrote so many stories, invented hundreds of characters. Not many hundreds, but still a lot. Ever since I started school I can remember feeling excited about new ideas for a story to draw or write.
I don't know if I can be bothered to care anymore. Work is stressful. I can't do anything after work, my mind gets tied up and tired.
But maybe I am going to wake up again. Maybe that's what this blog post is about.
I need to make a big decision, I think. I can sense that change is needed.
I wonder what I will do. I hope that whatever I decide, it is authentic and not fearful.
I took this job out of desperation. But staying in it for the rest of my working life is not what I want. Hmmmm.... It's going to be a tough one, this.
I need to find a job that suits my temperament.
Maybe it's time to look for something new.