Revelation occurs, well, there were a lot but this one is enough for now.

Revelation!
So I finally started watching youtube videos of both AS (Autism Spectrum) and NT (Neuro-Typical aka non-autistic) people talking about the Autism Spectrum, and I got so many amazing 'wow' moments from the get-go.

Rosie King was talking about being an Autisic person and she said, "What is normal? Imagine if the best compliment you ever got was; 'Wow, you're so normal'. " (paraphrased).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQ95xlZeHo8

And it hit me ; 'This is what I have been trying to achieve for YEARS.' I have literally been waiting for someone to say that to me.  And to feel that it was true, that I am 'normal' or 'look normal, act normal'. That's my goal every morning before I leave the house, that's my goal every day at work, 'Act normal, act normal, they can sense if you aren't, they can sometimes smell it...'

I gave up a LOT of oddness to try to blend in. And I am already considered weird, that is, currently.
I now begin to wonder if that was a mistake. Am I wasting my creativity by letting it dry up and refusing to live in any of the worlds I had in my head? I let go of so many characters, stories, ideas and worlds that I had in my mind, because I knew I had to make room for reality. I felt sorrow sending them away, I consoled myself by saying, 'I can make up new ones, I can remember some stuff and then reinvent them.'
But I knew that mundanity has an insidious way of crushing itself on top of wonder, curiosity and creativity, taking up all the space. We become couch potatoes from the stress of trying to fit in and complete our daily tasks. Joy is gone. We kill ourselves willfully this way.

I might have to start over...
I want to go back to the place where I felt happiness and sadness, and rawness. It was frightening and I felt mucky inside sometimes because I didn't always dress well or go outside the house but I did achieve something that nobody else could. I made my own worlds and I drew them, I wrote them, I lived them.

I want that back.
I want to see my friends again. They meant more to me than anyone because to me they were real. Even if none of them were perfect, I knew them so much better than I could ever know a human.
The animals, the people, the trees and the water, the worlds. I held back from immersing myself too deeply because I knew that if I dived in too far, I might not want to come back.

It was hard for me to correct myself just then, by changing 'dove' to 'dived'. Argh. Anyway yes, going back.
Annnndddd got sidetracked yayyyyyyy...
Man, I want fruit mince tarts so much.
Japan doesn't have them of course.

:(

Anyway that's enough for now.

Take care.

Bex