Inspiring people

Inspiration. Who inspires me?
Nobody in particular.
Just any person who did some work and lived their life respecting others.
An ordinary person. They are the only people who keep me going.
The lady in the queue who is polite even if someone pushes her.
The guy in the shop who maintains his professional attitude even if I thoughtlessly snap at him.
These people make me pause and think, "I need to be more like you. I'm going to try harder, going to let go of my stress and start again."
Real people that we meet every day are more important than flashy, fake people.

I am so tired of actors, singers, 'personalities' who actually lack true personality being pushed at me on social media and tv and on the radio, in movies, as someone to look up to.
I don't mind watching them, but I don't admire them.
They are fake and very fickle.
I hate that. It makes me sick.

I'm not going to apologise for that either.
Because I am on the Autism Spectrum.
It's not an excuse to be rude.
But it means (in this context) that I can never be 'perfect', like these flashy people are supposed to inspire us to be. I can't ever "reach for the stars" like a Neuro-Typical can.
I will never be like them.
Because my brain developed differently a long time ago.
So the pressure is off, I suppose.
Well, the truth is; theres a lot of pressure to stay as 'normal ' as possible, like a disguise.
But I see good people around me, genuine people who inspire me, every day.
They are worth looking up to.
It makes me happy to say this.

Thank you.

Revelation occurs, well, there were a lot but this one is enough for now.

Revelation!
So I finally started watching youtube videos of both AS (Autism Spectrum) and NT (Neuro-Typical aka non-autistic) people talking about the Autism Spectrum, and I got so many amazing 'wow' moments from the get-go.

Rosie King was talking about being an Autisic person and she said, "What is normal? Imagine if the best compliment you ever got was; 'Wow, you're so normal'. " (paraphrased).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQ95xlZeHo8

And it hit me ; 'This is what I have been trying to achieve for YEARS.' I have literally been waiting for someone to say that to me.  And to feel that it was true, that I am 'normal' or 'look normal, act normal'. That's my goal every morning before I leave the house, that's my goal every day at work, 'Act normal, act normal, they can sense if you aren't, they can sometimes smell it...'

I gave up a LOT of oddness to try to blend in. And I am already considered weird, that is, currently.
I now begin to wonder if that was a mistake. Am I wasting my creativity by letting it dry up and refusing to live in any of the worlds I had in my head? I let go of so many characters, stories, ideas and worlds that I had in my mind, because I knew I had to make room for reality. I felt sorrow sending them away, I consoled myself by saying, 'I can make up new ones, I can remember some stuff and then reinvent them.'
But I knew that mundanity has an insidious way of crushing itself on top of wonder, curiosity and creativity, taking up all the space. We become couch potatoes from the stress of trying to fit in and complete our daily tasks. Joy is gone. We kill ourselves willfully this way.

I might have to start over...
I want to go back to the place where I felt happiness and sadness, and rawness. It was frightening and I felt mucky inside sometimes because I didn't always dress well or go outside the house but I did achieve something that nobody else could. I made my own worlds and I drew them, I wrote them, I lived them.

I want that back.
I want to see my friends again. They meant more to me than anyone because to me they were real. Even if none of them were perfect, I knew them so much better than I could ever know a human.
The animals, the people, the trees and the water, the worlds. I held back from immersing myself too deeply because I knew that if I dived in too far, I might not want to come back.

It was hard for me to correct myself just then, by changing 'dove' to 'dived'. Argh. Anyway yes, going back.
Annnndddd got sidetracked yayyyyyyy...
Man, I want fruit mince tarts so much.
Japan doesn't have them of course.

:(

Anyway that's enough for now.

Take care.

Bex

Long time no blog because I'm lazy and also technical difficulties.

Hey sorry stratosphere, I haven't posted anything in a while and I apologise for that. My iphone (never getting another iphone) decided that the blogger app wasn't going to be compatible with it any more for no reason at all.

Anyway...
I bought a bunch of games
Doom 1 and 2 and special levels
Street Fighter x Tekken
Some other crap like special edition skyrim
You know, pointless crap
Also Pokemon Sun and Moon and a new 3DS XL (in Vermillion orange-reddish and black, can't get  in Japan)to play it on and a Japanese 2DS in Lavender colour (can't get in NZ) with a Japanese Pokemon Sun (set it to English because I'm lazy). Fun fact: In Japan the 3DS XL is called the 3DS LL. So that was a hiccup I had to quickly check up on. I bought an adorable cover with a pokeball design for my new baby.

Basically, life ticks on.

I am getting along with my co-workers and students.
Winter bares its teeth but not with any true killing intent at this time.
It's January.

I hate January, for reasons.

Reasons in general, which shouldn't be explained because they are petty.
I'm petty.

January, I make no genuflection in your general direction. I give you my nakayubi. (middle finger)
:)

Ok bye

Have a good year.
Will post a proper entry another day.