Still here. Still alive. Great. Just grrrreat...

Well, here I am.
Still alive.
Good for me!
I have been alive for so many consecutive days, I'm expecting a medal for "most days alive since I was last not alive", any day now.
I mean really!
I almost died at least twice in my life, oops sorry forgot that time, three times.
Sorry, miscounted.
So I suppose now I should say that it's good to be alive.

Well, it isn't.

It sucks but hey it's my burden to bear so I am just bearing it.
Being alive is the bloodiest, messiest, most emotional roller-coaster I have ever known.
I hated being alive from an early age, and I still hate it.

I dislike my body, especially my emotions.
I dislike feelings and most of the smells I have to smell.
I dislike textures, and a lot of sounds.
Being autistic will do that to you.

So there we go, I said it.
Having said that, I must admit, the first time I ate cheese was nice (as was almost every other time I have been able to eat cheese).
Not sure about most other things.

My blood sometimes causes me revulsion, even when it's quietly doing it's job inside my veins.
I can't stand rather a lot of my body altogether.
I can't always tell when it's not healthy; I have fainted twice because I was dehydrated but honestly it was so hard to tell that it's not my fault!

I hate the fact that I am almost always in pain for some reason or another.
Early onset arthritis, all other kinds of problems.
I mean really, I'm quite healthy, which is the most annoying thing of all.
If there were a real reason, I could just say, 'Ah well, I'm just not very healthy or strong.'
But no! I'm actually doing well for my age, which is annoying because it just means that the human body is frail and annoying.
I can't complain to The Manufacturer, because He will just laugh at me.

I mean - I have a LIST.
A LIST, PEOPLE!
Joint and muscle pains.
Spasmodic jerky movements with no warning which makes me twitch (fortunately rarely) and look like an idiot.
My face doesn't do what normal faces do. Expressions and such.
Voice is same. Sometimes flat, or the wrong tone of voice for the situation.
I can tell, people look at me funny and I think, 'Damn, I thought the normal human thing was working'.

I get tired so much! It's ridiculous!
People tire me out.
Just trying to be alive and a normal human for another day and complete one single task without messing up somehow is exhausting.
I am not joking here.

Life hates me.
Ok, that was a joke.
People tell me life is beautiful.
I say to them. 'It's nice if you can afford it.'
That's not really true, I've never said that to anyone, but I wanted to!

I am not bitter or mean or heartless or even depressed!
Sometimes you just have to say it!
LIFE IS CRUEL AND AWFUL.
But that's all we have.
There is no other option. Not really.
Death is not like life, it's not another option, it's simply what happens after you were alive.
Well anyway, it's been interesting so far.
That's the only thing life has going for it.
Not emotion, pleasure, pain, feeling, breathing, and so on.
Sensation gets dull.

But thinking.
Thinking!
That's the good stuff.
My brain is always thinking, and quite fast.
To get it to relax, I can only read, and make it focus on one linear line of story or thought.
My curiosity and fatalism are the only two things keeping me alive.

Hope?
HAH!
Hope is as cruel as life.
If you have hope, you can and will keep going.
That in itself is frightening and cruel.

But curiosity.
That is the tricky one.
What will happen tomorrow?
Will I wish it had not happened?
I want to know, I need to know.
I want to see, I want to find out.

I can't forget the past.
I live in the present.
I want to see the future.

Maybe it's just me, I used to think I was an alien or a defective humanoid type of thing.
I knew I was different, I over-thought everything, and I felt too much.
I wondered why it was so hard to cope with simple things that others were able to pass by or take in their stride.
Now I know.
I am autistic.

Life is cruel.
I'm lucky, and I hate knowing I'm lucky.
I don't believe in luck, but I don't know if I would call it Providence either.
I don't know why I am able to have a job and work with real people who don't treat me like there's something wrong with me.
I don't know why I can live on my own and feed myself and wash and dress myself, or go out in public and no children will throw stones at me or chase me and nobody will make fun of me.
I hate being lucky sometimes, because it's a real bitch to see those who aren't.

I hate life.

People are in it.
They are so filthy, their little short-sighted minds, their desperation to keep going, to grasp greedily at everything around them, because they are afraid that 'the other guy' will screw them over if they aren't as hard as he is.
Don't they know that when they do that, they push and trample the others who are weaker, and slower, and need to be treated gently?
I know that!
But I am weak too!

I can't do anything much more than rage silently, when I see the way others are treated.
If I were only stronger, and more powerful, I have said to myself.
The problem then arises, that there is a cost to everything you want in this world.
EVERYTHING.
If I were to become strong, what would I have to lose?
I don't want to lose anything.

I need to be weak.
I NEED IT.
If I am strong, I don't need anyone or anything.
And that is NOT being human.

I can't stand it.
I am walking along the edge of humanity all the time.

Animals are great, you know. 

I just seem to get along with them rather well, quite quickly. 

EXCEPT FOR PARROTS. PARROTS CAN JUST GO TO ... WHEREVER IT IS THEY GO.

I wonder what is wrong with me?
I've always wondered what was wrong with me.
Every now and then, I think, 'Maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe it's everything else that's wrong.'
I just don't fit.
That's the real problem.

Maybe it's not a problem at all.