No, I don't feel like it, but I sort of do.
Ok I will go, no I won't. No! Well, I probably should...
Why is going to church so hard...?
I mean, I have a big problem with going to most places these days.
It's hard for me to make a decision.
I don't know why, or when it started.
I never really wanted to go anywhere alone for a long time in the last 30 years.
I think it might be a sort of illness?
I dislike going to most places alone. And people are so busy.
I don't like to bother them, or they won't want to go see the same movies as me, because I hate chick flicks and rom coms and all that junk. I like action (but not horror or excessive blood) and I like some comedies, and most animation. So sometimes I can go with friends.
But usually they are busy.
It's just timing.
As for anywhere else, everything else... I don't know.
Everything is difficult and confusing.
I like structured events, and perhaps even a schedule would be nice, and foreknowledge and to bring an extra coat, or to bring something to eat or drink with me.
If I could, I would make a survival bag to bring in my friend's car, because she often gets lost or we are very late, or we get there and the place is shut. And she is the only person basically who wants to go anywhere and remembers to ask me if I want to come. She seems to be the one person who remembers me because she makes an effort.
I used to get anxious because of the high rate of unforeseen problems with this friend, but now I am used to it, if you can call it that. I can relax a lot more. So I am happy.
I am inconvenient, you know.
People who say they are my friends either don't like me enough to bother giving me a ride anywhere (because I am too faraway), or they find I bring them down.
I am actually considered amusing. I like joking and I even don't mind singing in the car if the other person wants to. Not everyone likes that!
But in this city of cars and cash, I am usually broke, and have no car, and I can't drive anyway.
So that equals many days and nights alone in my flat.
I don't actually mind about half the time, because as I mentioned earlier, I find it hard to decide what to do these days. But sometimes I feel angry when they all talk about what fun they had doing things that I used to be able to join in with when I lived closer to them.
They do stuff with a lot of other people, and it is as if I never existed at all.
As for me... I suppose I tend to forget them too.
I carry on, in my own little world, suffering and self-pitying, and hesitant to go outside.
I feel so lonely, but I never want to tell anyone because then they will feel driven to see me or talk to me out of guilt, and I will be 'the needy one'.
So I stay alone.
Thank you, my one kind friend, for remembering me.
I am sorry, so sorry. I am sorry that I am so difficult. Thank you for ignoring my indecision and my mood swings and anxiety over things that other people don't even care about.
I want to be more like you and make someone else feel as if they matter after all. Despite everything.
Thank God for you, dear one.
I just want to be better, I want to find it easier to go out and do things.
Even if I am often alone.
I want to live as if I am not.
I guess just these last two weeks have been a bit rough.
I have been ill with a nasty cold.
Winter is so cold and rainy and damp here. The rain just never seems to stop!
Only one day or so of sun and then rain again, week after week.
My raincoats all leak. I have no boots and my umbrellas tend to blow inside out.
I get wet and cold and stay that way unless I can go home and change and stay warm.
So it seems as if I am often stranded in my house.
Also, I have less money than usual! I had to have dentist work done and I have to pay back the money I borrowed from someone. Next week will be the last time I have to pay her.
So next week, no money again.
Nowhere to go with no money, you see. In this city of cars and cash.
The rain the rain, always the rain, I am beginning to feel as if I will go mad.
I hate winter here, it makes me sick and also it makes me very sad and tired and cold.
I heard that winter gets to people like this. Well, I believe it.
So, I am having a hard time lately. Not wanting to kill myself like I used to, but getting very depressed.
My mother's phone is broken so I can't even call her and talk like I used to be able to.
I hate using facebook to talk to people.
Everything is VERY hard right now. Haven't had it so rough for a while.
Have to get through. Get through or kill myself.
Then I could rest at last.
Death is such a nice thought.
Peace...
Real rest, the type that is eternal.
Although I believe in the resurrection of all people so probably no rest then...
But peace, and true happiness. And I would never be lonely again. Or cold, or feel pain.
I would like that.
It's tempting.
This typing my thoughts is fun, and a little scary.
This is why I normally post gentle little posts about the cat next door or Pokemon.
It's safer.
But I never could talk myself into suicide. I tried enough times.
Sitting on the couch with the knife in my hand, so shiny and beautiful.
Never could do it.
What a joke.
Pretending to be alive in the first place is a joke.
I don't even know if I am alive or at least real.
I don't even know what is real these days.
I float around like an aimless lump, trying to experience reality outside of myself and my room. But I am always so glad to get home and be 'safe'.
Are you laughing yet?
I'm smiling through these tears of mine.
I feel nauseous.
Haha, this post is pathetic and whiny, but you know what? It must prove I'm real.
The filth of humanity is what makes it real.
Beauty seems unreal somehow.
Ugly things are a real eye opener. They bring us down to Earth with a bump, don't they?
Our own ugliness. It hurts, but it's good, like really gross tasting medicine.
Wake up.
I just woke up again.
Mumbling weak little cliques about not feeling real.
Ridiculous.
In this world, being sensible and loving is what is important.
God, I want that. I want that the MOST!
Make me pure, make me strong, loving and brave. God help me.
This is my prayer, whenever I remember to pray.
Make me...I don't even dare to aspire to be like you yet, God.
But make me a good servant.
I'm not afraid to serve others.
It's not a weakness, it's a choice to be strong enough to be humble and allow others to use you.
God, I do want to die. I'd love it.
Because I'm lazy, and it's the easiest way out of here, this fallen, messed up world.
But I know that you don't want me to go yet, or I'd be long gone.
So thanks, I say with mixed bitterness and gratitude.
THANK YOU.
I want to wait, and see how you can use me to make someone else's life bearable.
Like you use that kindly friend of mine.
Life is the journey that makes us into the people we are meant to be.
Right?
Man, I should write greeting cards.
Haha!
Well, I feel better now. A whole lot better.
Venting is the best.
Everything I wrote is true for a given factor of true, but it isn't so bad.
Wanting to die and to live at the same time is the human condition.
Well, for me anyway.
I am so edgy. But you know what? I'm not the 'cool' kind of edgy.
I'm the messy, beautifully ugly kind, the awkwardly glorious mess of God.
Thanks God, for making me and for being with me.
God, I can't say any more. I'm out.
I guess it's too late to go to church now... it already started.
But there's next time.
I really do want to go.
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