Why am I so sad?

It is Christmas day tomorrow.
I have done all that I wanted to do, almost. I should feel satisfied.
But I feel so very unhappy that I feel almost physically ill.

Last night the tears started. I managed to stop crying but now this morning, the moment I woke up, I started to cry again. I don't understand it.
I thought I would never feel this bad again.
I had forgotten how it feels to be so sad.

The only reason I can think of (underlying reason) is that because my father isn't coming up to see me this year, I must be more upset than I thought I was.
Every day I 'cope'. I work on other things. I go to work, I talk to other people. I talk to my friends.

But suddenly, this terrible, terrible feeling just came out of me in a flood. It felt as if my heart was made of ice, then suddenly a flood of warm water broke it, and it melted completely.

What can I do? I can't stop crying. It is annoying me now. At first I thought, 'Oh well, just cry a bit, it will pass.' But it won't just pass. I am crying right now! I have to go to the toilet to get more paper to blow my nose all the time.

This is the most irritating thing in the world! I know I should just work on my feelings and all that stuff, but come on... I never heard of a person who was unhappy for more than 12 hours straight. And through the night when I woke up, I felt it, but I was tired, so I managed to ignore it.

How do you tell your heart to stop breaking? How do you stop the tears? How do you feel better? I can't tell anyone about this but you. You've never met me. You never will.
But my family and friends - well. My family know about this whole 'me being an emotional rollercoaster person' thing. Most of my friends have NO idea. I won't let them know. They talk to ME about THEIR problems. I listen. I can't let them see me like this.

I tried slapping my face but it didn't help. I know it sounds silly... but it has worked before.
Ok.
I have realised that this is either hormones, (it's that time) or God is trying to tell me something.
I read my bible last night. I was looking for a certain Psalm, but I couldn't remember the address so I just went to Psalm 5. Then I read Psalm 4. It was lovely. Like medicine, but nicer.

Psalm 4 from Bible.com
1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.
2 O ye sons of men, how long will ye turn my glory into shame? how long will ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? Selah.
3 But know that the LORD hath set apart him that is godly for himself: the LORD will hear when I call unto him.
4 Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.
5 Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the LORD.
6 There be many that say, Who will shew us any good? LORD, lift thou up the light of thy countenance upon us.
7 Thou hast put gladness in my heart, more than in the time that their corn and their wine increased.
8 I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.

It gave me some peace. I have asked the Lord, 'Have I done something wrong? Are You trying to bring my attention to something? What do I need to do?'
Now I must wait for my answer.

It may be hormones. It may be my depression, rearing it's ugly head. It may be me missing my father. It may be something else. We shall see.
I have finally managed to stop the tears. Please don't laugh or judge me. I may be weak, although I hate weaknesses, but I am only one person. After all, everyone has weak bits in them. Mine are just being shown to you.

Well, God bless you this Christmas. I will enjoy mine. My best friend will be back by tomorrow, and my cousin is coming to visit on Boxing Day. I hope you get to see the ones you love this Christmas.

Christian love and kisses,
Me.

Been a while....

Well.
I am pleased.
Per-lea-zzzd.
:)
We went to buy mum a popcorn maker at and we found it wasn't on special anymore like we'd hoped. (It had been last week)
The 'we' is my sister and I. Anyway, we noticed it was an 's special card-holder day, one day only, 10% off all small appliances.
I pointed this out to my sister and we realised that neither of us was a card-holder, although mum was. However this present was supposed to be a surprise, so we couldn't get it off her and anyway the sale was only that day.
I'm getting to the point eventually, don't worry.
So I said to my sister, 'Do you think either of us is eligible to become a card-holder?' Her face lit up and she said, 'Worth a try.'
We tried. We were eligible except that we hadn't got 2 forms of I.D on us. So that was that. My sister explained the popcorn-maker sitch. The lady was very sympathetic.
That was nice in itself, but then she said, 'Wait, I'll put the sale through on MY card for you, so you can get the discount!'
We were gobsmacked. This was not allowed by the store but the lovely lady and her friend (who also worked there) did it anyway. So there ya go.
There are kind people in the world who do things for no reward which could cause trouble for them! Bless that lady and her friend, God, bless their socks off!
I'm countin my pennies lately. I tell you!

In other news, I found a hedgehog today, running around on the road. So I scooped it up in my umbrella and deposited it on the side of the road where it would be safe. But then I felt sorry for it, so I scooped it up again and took it home. I named him Mr Prickle-face. I think it may have been male, hard to say, so I just guessed.
I called my sis and told her, (she's staying with mum) and mum told me to take him into the garden because they are nocturnal and he'd probably be diseased. So I did.
Poor Mr Prickle-face. I wanted him to be happy. I hope he's ok. There's a lot of snails around here so he should have something to eat, at least.
I wanted to give him milk, I even took the chill off of it in the microwave, but mum said that hedgehogs are lactose intolerant. So I poured the milk in the sink.
Oh well.

Grayce is lactose intolerant, but she still loves to drink milk so I give her a tiny bit most days. If I give her too much, she throws up so I eventually learnt the right amount. (Yes, eventually, I am not quite with it sometimes and at first I didn't know why she kept being sick, so every time she threw up, I just gave her more milk. What a twit...)
She can projectile vomit about 1 metre! That's not bad for such a small cat. I'm very proud of her. And sometimes she can throw up hairballs that are as big as a large mouse!
I told my sister and she said I should enter Graycie into the longhaired, projectile vomiting division of a pedigree cat show. Hahahahaha!!!!
But seriously, Graycie is so annoying! She put my computer into sleep mode once when I was trying to type up an entry into this blog, and I thought she rebooted it, but then I checked and it was all still here. She sits on the keyboard, or lies on the mousepad. She sits on my hand while I'm trying to use the mouse and so it makes me right-click when I don't want to.
I think she's jealous of my computer.
Well, too bad for her. I love my baby, and I would be so happy to be able to have it surgically attached to me so that I could take it everywhere. Just the essentials, of course. I can't lug the monitor and mouse, keyboard, printer and scanner as well as the cpu everywhere...

Christmas is so close, I wanted to post this for you to read.

Christmas Eve in an old folks home

An old man sits in a home for the aged,
Sits and looks out the window on christmas day.
His family’s not here, they live overseas,
They can’t come to visit, but they rang on Christmas Eve.
‘Hi dad, it’s Bill, sorry we can’t be there,
But Joanne’s mum asked us to stay over here.
We’ve got obligations, lots of things to do.
People rely on us, you understand, don’t you.’
He tried to say ‘no!’ but it came out as a mumble.
Bill said ‘Now dad, Joanne said you might grumble.
I just saw you in May, it seems like yesterday.
It was only 7 months ago; I hate when you put the pressure on,
I feel so guilty, you know. Joanne and I were talking; she said some things that’re right.
You’ve always tried to guilt trip me, well it just won’t work tonight!
I’m sorry that you’ve been this way, I really have to go.
Oh, Sally likes her new sweater, but she can’t talk just now.’
The old man sits and looks out the window.
Who knows what he sees? An orderly goes to him:
‘Mr Roberts, come to dinner please.’
The old man sits stiffly, not moving at all.
The orderly has realized. ‘Sam, give the hospital a call.’
As Sam closes the soft eyelids, she manages to say,
‘And he’ll never see the Christmas card from his son that came today.’

I wrote that.
Well, thats all from me in this post, later I'll post the Christmas story from bible.com. KJV of course. Thats more like a medieval book, telling that olde, olde story.
Lovely.

God bless you and keep you.
:)