It is all done, my time overseas.

I left Japan on August 2nd, the day my visa ran out. And I arrived back here on the 3rd.
I'm still processing.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

There was a guy I had a thing about, when I left, he gave me a special letter.
And we had a chat, but because I was leaving he gave up on any idea of anything happening between us. He said so specifically.
It really hurt.

And I cried when I said goodbye to my house, and my life and the people who I grew to care about.
Japanese people are so lovely.
I really felt welcomed.
And even though I made mistakes they helped me.
In a way, it was easier than living in my own country.
They had more patience than people in this city of mine.

Urgh now I have to try to put myself back together and start over with almost nothing.
It's hard, I knew it would be but somehow I had hoped that something would turn up to save me from having to return.
It didn't.
It seems that you get what you work ridiculously hard for, and if you don't work so hard, but just make connections and hope vaguely, you get nothing but a handshake and someone saying, 'Wish you could stay' even though they could have arranged it so that you could stay but it was too much work for them. Or maybe they were lying.
Haha that sounds bitter but I don't actually feel bitter.
I understand.
I know how my bosses worked, how they thought about things, because I learned.
If I had been able to make it easier for them, maybe they would have changed the rules for me, but then again maybe not.
They did often seem to not want anything to change EVER, I mean they still use fax machines.
Like, they fax so many documents. Instead of emailing them.
They do use emails sometimes though so you know, they're only about a decade behind instead of two decades.

I miss my Japanese friends so much.
But let's be honest, everyone says 'I'll miss you, I'll come and visit'.
Whenever you graduate, or move out or go to a new job.
But they almost never do.
Because life gets in the way and it's easier to be around those who are nearby and convenient, like I am not anymore.
That guy I liked, would I marry him if he ever got brave enough to suggest it?
If I did, since he is a teacher, he would never be home and also when he got home he would be so tired. I'd need to be the housewife.
In Japan.
By myself most of the time.
I don't know if I'd resent that after a while.
I don't want to hurt him, by divorcing him after the glow of newlywed romantic idiocy wore off.
It would not work out.
I think he knew that.

SO: What do I have?
A LOT of goodbyes.
Goodbye to my crush
Goodbye to my house
Goodbye to my money haha
Goodbye to my job which was great (sometimes) and also boring as hell (sometimes)
Goodbye to my fun co-workers
Goodbye to my friends (spending time with them)
Goodbye to my church folks
Goodbye to Hokkaido (and Japan in general too I guess) which I fell in love with
Goodbye to my dream
That was my dream for quite a few years. Let me count...
About 17 years or so. I held on to the dream for that long before I took courage and applied to go work in Japan. And it went well.
I am so grateful.

Now I have to work on another dream and set myself up to achieve it.
The problem is it's somewhat unrealistic.
Oh well, better start on it.