Church troubles

Ok... so it seems that I still can't find the right church for me!
It's been months since I last wrote int his diary. I've been waiting for something ground-breaking to happen, but nothing has yet...
I have tried three churches since moving here and nothing doing!
The first church was a Presbytarian. A bit dull, and the people weren't friendly. They had such a hunger for God that I stayed for a few times, but in the end I gave up. They only took communion once a month or so, which was very disappointing. I liked the worship, and the preacher was ok. But he tended to make things a little too personal and tried to biase the church into his way of seeing things. I am not a friendly, open person. However, I wanted very much to make friends in this church because they all seemed sensible, friendly people. A couple were nice but most of them ignored me. It was quite frustrating. In the end I simply left. I'm sure nobody noticed and doesn't care. But what if I were a new Christian? To be ignored like that would certainly give me a bad impression of Christians and church. And most new Christians give up and go back to their old ways when nobody seems to care about them.

The second church was an open Brethren. This is quite an old-fashioned church. Most people wouldn't fancy it these days. This church doesn't agree with women speaking in the church, and women need to cover their hair. A whole bunch of ideas like that would put some modern Christians off. They sing hymns and study the Bible. They take communion every Sunday and this is very good. It's good to get back to fundamentals but it is also often run by older people and it is not very ... stimulating. The atmosphere is a bit oppressive. So I left that one too. A new Christian who joined that church would probably get followed up better because the open Brethren do tend to care a bit more than some other churches.

The third church is an Elim church. My sister suggested that I go there, as her friend's parents go. So I decided to try it. It seemed very nice. At first. However I soon noticed problems. These people are very nice... but they are very superficial in their attitude to church, and to how Christianity goes. I like them all so much! It makes me upset that this great gap is here. They don't take communion! They said that they do occasionally but I have been going for over a month now and still nothing yet. They read a lot of popular Christian books, listen to a lot of popular Christian music and base their worship on Hillsong and other popular contempory services. However there is almost nothing of the Bible. The only faultless book. Their preacher uses the Bible in his messages, which is a ray of hope. However, when I joined a 'small group' which is what they basically call a homegroup, (homegroup, cellgroup, lifegroup, small group, it's all the same, people changing the names to make it seem more special. Faddy!) but yes, when I joined a small group, I was assigned to a group of people mostly close to my age. However, I am very fond of them and it hurts to say - they are some of the most superficial people you could ever meet. They are all perfectly turned out. Well-dressed, well-made-up, charming, funny, natural people. But they gossip. They don't like to study the Bible as a group. We discuss the message from Sunday. And in the end, all we really do is play board games or talk about our lives and how we're doing. I have almost nothing in common with any of them. It's driving me insane. I'm avoiding church now. I am empty and I came to that church to be filled. I am not being filled.

I'm beginning to lose hope. Where is the church for me? I have no sense of purpose, or usefulness, of common ground. But I think that I have made a mistake. I used to avoid church when I was younger. I thought I didn't need other Christians to grow in God. The Bible says I do. I realised this, and for a while, I grew and matured in a church. At long last, I was happy. I felt fulfilled, content and safe.

Then I moved. Now I'm alone. I'm adrift. I had gone from one extreme to the other. From skipping church to grasping it and looking to church to fix me. And I realise that God is trying to teach me a powerful and painful lesson. It is not the people in the church that help you grow, it is God. No matter where I go, I will always be empty if I try to get people to fill me. Only God can fill me. Thank You, God in Your wisdom, for teaching me.

It's not over. I will try to stay at this church. I will join some helper group, maybe children's church. Or the cafe helpers. And I can't rely on imperfect people in an imperfect world to help me to grow. It's between God and me. And I mustn't judge these people. I don't even want to know how I appear to them. I need to learn to get past the fact that they are different and concentrate on what God has to say to me.

God Bless you. :)